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Jokes

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JOKES Added on July 02, 2010

-Count your flowers right

A young man was deeply in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day would be her birthday, and he laughingly said that he would send her a brunch of roses, one for each year of her life.

The proprietor of the flower shop, looking over the mail in the morning, saw the order and said to his salesman:

“Tom, here’s an order from young Mr. Higgins for twenty-four roses. He’s a mighty good customer; let’s give him a break and put an extra dozen.”

And the young man never did find out what made the young lady so angry with him.

- Thanks for the help!

Announcements of the professor’s new book and his wife’s new baby appeared almost simultaneously.

The professor, when he was congratulated be a friend upon “this proud event in your family,” naturally thought of that achievement which had cost him the greater effort and modestly replied: “Well I couldn’t have done it without the help of two graduate students.”

- Dedication

It was P.G. Woodhouse who dedicated one of his books to his wife and daughter like this:

“Without whose unfailing help and advice this book could have been written in half the time.”

- Sorry!

An aspiring author sent a manuscript to an editor with a letter in which he stated. “The characters in this story are purely fictional and bear no resemblance to any person living or dead.”

A few days later he received his manuscript with the penciled notation: “That’s what’s wrong with it.”

- What’s there in a name?

A struggling author had called on a publisher about a manuscript he had submitted.

“This is quite well-written, but my firm only publishes works by writers with well-known names,” said the publisher.

“Splendid,” said the author. “My name’s Smith.”

-You mean…

It was during a financial panic that a farmer went to his bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money but was issuing cashier’s checks instead. He could not understand this and insisted on money.

The officer took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute explanation, some inking of the situation seemed to be dawning on the farmer’s mind. Much encouraged the president said: “You understand now how it is, don’t you, sir?”

“I think I do,” admitted the farmer. “It’s like this, is it not? When my baby wakes up at night and wants some milk, I give him a milk ticket.”

JOKES Added June 4, 2010

-A retraction on virtue

A fair young graduate of the School of Journalism got a job as cub reporter on a Long Island daily. Her first story won the editor’s approval but he pointed out a few minor inaccuracies.

“Remember,” he concluded, “it was Joseph Pulitzer, founder of the School of Journalism, who declared that accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to women.”

“That itself is not entirely accurate,” said the girl triumphantly, “A newspaper can always print a retraction!”

-It’s a matter of salary

Years ago, when Ernie Pyle, was on the Washington News as a $ 30-a-week copyreader, he tagged a story with the headline: “Man Inherits Huge Fortune of $ 15,000.”

“Where do you get the idea that $ 15,000 is a huge fortune?” his executive editor asked.

“If you were earning the same dough I am” Ernie replied, “you’d think so, too.”

-Auction

A man finally bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding.

“I suppose the bird talks,” he said to  the auctioneer.

“Talks?” was the reply. “He has been bidding against you for the past half hour.”

-Absconder

Two friends visiting an art exhibition stopped for a while before a particular frame.

One :  Why did they hang this picture?

Second : It might be because they couldn’t find the artist!

- Beggars Bowl

Lady to Begger: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself to stand here begging on the street?”
Beggar : “What do you want, lady; should I open an office?’

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